Ya Know When!...???

It's Going Well I am finding that life is going well, I am out of hospital now and things are going much better, I am starting to enjoy life again. I cannot wait until I am finally out of the rut again, I am really having to kick my self in the mornings to get up get on and do things and the sadness of not being with someone has kicked in. Yes I would be referring to a specific person when I say those things I mean my ex-girlfriend, whom I am not quite over yet, but time is a healer and our time together was very rocky and I don't think well really had a fair chance with everything that was going on in her life and in mine, so I feel quite sad that she decided to give up on us, never mind though, plenty more fish in the sea. I am looking forwards to a new life now without so much mess I hope. I have no responsibilities and no major worries in life, I should be fine getting on with it then? I have come back to my main base (my flat) and seriously I had to give my self a proper k...

 A Fresh Start I am finally getting discharged today and I can't wait to be freed from these beds and life and starting over again. I am now sitting at home, when I wrote the above it was lunch time and I had to go shortly after writing it. Yep so I am now sitting at home thinking how to make this last and making plans for the future. I have spent too much time in hospital which has not been great. I have some people coming over tomorrow to make sure that I am okay and from there we will see what is happening if anything at all. Need to find the lights for my bike and need to get back on it cycling again. Well before I sat on the sofa or lay down on it I really should have cleaned the sofa, there was broken glass everywhere on it, I have just pulled 2-3 pieces away from my backside and boy was that uncomfortable. I should be getting the hoover fixed tomorrow and I have some follow up medication to take. So I am now sitting at home happy but lonely and it is not always easy to find ...

https://andthewatchgoesforward.blogspot.com/ (click on read more before attempting the link)   Middle Class Up Bringing I come from a background that is middle class and getting sharper with each generation with some obvious set backs and dismissible behaviour, but generally a good family and a lot of fond memories. I learnt to ride push bikes at a very young age and loved learning to ride without stabilisers, from there  I went into gymnastics and learned to play golf, shortly after I learned to play golf which was a far more interesting game than I thought it was going to be, I quit gymnastics. I was only learning to play golf because that is what my dad wanted to learn to play and like father, like son, I wanted to follow and be the best. Shortly after this, I saw the Tour De France on T.V. and it was just starting to become big in England and my mum saw a bike outside the front of a cycle shop for £10 and it was some rusty old thing which I could barely get on, (crossbar)...

My Life Doesn't Seem Normal At what age does it seem normal to have a mental breakdown? Mine happened when I hit 24 years old, there is no telling when it will happen or why it will happen. High stress, no time, busy life... Any of these things could cause it. For me I had a mental breakdown at 24 years old when I had 2 jobs and I had just left my job at the factory where I used to build push bikes. Since then I have not felt right... I am pretty close to feeling better now though, I will know I am fine when I have come off the drugs at hospital and don't need much help.   At the moment I actually don't like much to do with getting involved with other people, very much a loner when it comes to taking part in things I pass and sit on my own. To be fair to myself though, the people I am with at the minute, I am probably doing the best thing by not taking part. All very snobby then? No... They just aren't my type of people, I have the hardest time finding friends these day...

  Turning A Corner I spoke with the Dr. today and he has said that I will be monitored for another couple of weeks and then possibly I will be out of the door. Very good things then, maybe I will even get chance to finish decorating my flat before I get out here this time, a pink bathroom has been laughed at quite a few times (and it wasn't just me). I'm not a good writer or good at things that involve me being academically bright but I can do a bit of grafting in the DIY area (won't look too shabby). I am now just sitting listening to music, most music is of Spotify and is not too bad. I like their mixes such as classical music for studying, rock and rap are also up there (for my time to chill out with the laptop). Other wise it is dab radio with some trance or rock or whatever is a available. I have so much tidying to do at my flat, I left it in such a mess when I came into hospital, can't wait to be back in it relaxing back in the real world.

  Drugs Have Probably Played A Part I have probably subjected my my self to the exposure of drugs far to many times. My brain doesn't cope with them too well and thus I end up taking a rough and rocky road. My mental health declines quite a lot when I am exposed to them. I always feel it's not the drugs its the people. There has been quite a few knock backs for me on drugs such as weed and cocaine. I am not a regular user but the do take their toll over a period of time having taken them. I have been pretty much clean for a few years now and I feel that I am doing well. I still have this ongoing niggling about technology and things though, very hard to get rid of these thoughts.

 Not Sure Whether These Blog Post A Uploading These blog posts are now becoming quite far and few between. In my spare time which is quite a lot of the time I am programming and looking at games to inspire my programming. I really like doing these things but my mind keeps wandering into other things rather unfairly I would say is fair to say. Struggling for things to write other than those things. My morning routine is to get up and go downstairs for a cigarette and then on to writing or programming, obviously not living the most exciting life at the moment. Waiting for lockdown to ease up so I can go and get my hair cut professionally, as shown in photo it needs it.

Just Trying To Get Back To Some Sort Of Good Position  I can't wait until I am out of hospital and doing new things. Taking up MMA after I get out of hospital just for the fun and fitness. Going to be using cycling as my main hobby to keep up the cardio fitness levels for it, and when I am settled I will take up a conditioning routing to keep my self free and nimble. I need to introduce several things to get my self back to where I need to be. Nutrition, Fitness, Sleep and hobbies. Maybe leave the ladies a bit longer though.

 As You Look Harder, It May Seem Less Shocking     Finding it hard to take a good photo... Still Laughing. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=4D35vfQ7eZg

 This Is Pretty Much How I Feel At The Moment https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=Robbie+williams+Feel Very little out there and many people feel these things.  Definitely feel that I don't understand this road I have been given.  

I Tried To Make This Less Offensive  I have tried to make these things that I am writing less offensive, but as time goes on the become more and more specific and it is hard to keep them general. I have delusions that make me think I have technology in my eyes and my ears (in my head basically). A games machine that distracts me from everyday tasks like going to work or eating or sleeping. These technologies bring distractions that I call games that allow me to separate my self from the real world and what is going on is how a logical person would look at it. To me the technologies are quite real and are about real things that go on. Obviously I have been to the police about these things and they are convinced they are not there in my head even though secret service use something called Whitehall which is were I believe the technology to come from. All well and good then, but why put technology in somebodies head and not say? Well the technologies are distracting me by ways of ente...

I Am Having Difficulties Learning C++ Further than I should be with almost no help but seriously still struggling with the tutorial I found online and the logic behind C++. I am starting to write more logically but not really able to think properly yet about the design of the program (structure). Most of what I have done looks quite complicated until you read it properly and then it is not so complicated. This diary helps me put my more personal issues down in writing without causing too much of a problem with my blog. My blog basically states my mood, and complex feelings (which I shall do in the diary as well and I’m sure the odd post will come into it. I still have fears and delusions to do with technology like I have always had ever since my suicide attempt. I have really stood to regret a lot of decisions since then and I almost wish I had just put up and shut up. << That will probably get added to the blog later on. Keen and still young of mind is my problem, ...

 

 I am really not well and I have to say looking back through most of these things I am saying them whilst trying to make sense of what is going on. I have to apologise for these things because from the outside looking in I must sound quite strange/weird or some other hushed up laughed at thing. So I apologise for all those immature blogs I have done and will probably stop and leave it till I feel better. Many thanks to the readers though. Amazingly I didn't get my head bitten off. Tolerance is a bit better than I thought... Many Thanks, Michael

  I can't complain (too much) I have been for a walk today within my allotted 1 hour that we seem to be allowed (COVID). I went out with a member of staff from the hospital and we have a nice conversation and a couple of nice coffees from the local shop near to where I live.  I am now sitting here waiting to be told that I can go home or I am free to go when I want to, there isn't much that would stop these things from happening at the moment.

More Tomorrow

 I Have Been Doing Programming Now Winding Down To Sleep I am watching a T.V series, not sure if we are allowed to mention what T.V series we are watching on these blogs so I don't say which one. But it's about a mind f**k of a situation and it just keeps getting better the more you watch it. It describes life with major trauma involvement when this guy realises he has lost his dad whom by the looks of it lived a little on the wild side. The trauma is so deep that he cannot make sense of what he is doing and whilst still achieving quite a lot he still has these side lined mental conditions to be playing with. I really don't know how he manages to sleep when he is doing so much in each episode, episodes of psychosis as well. It really is quite entertaining, but seems to be the worst day a man could ever have but the best time also (because he is smart enough to deal with his problems). It to me kind of looks like a life in real life and a life outside of real life, two very ...

Been Programming Been doing some programming on my laptop that I got for Christmas. I am really happy with the laptop, (saying thanks to the appropriate people they know who they are). I have been quite bored and sometimes programming can be like wasting a bit of time playing Sudoku. A bit of a puzzle to do when you are a bit bored and it is functional knowledge so it is good to get into. Great fun, I would like to get to the point of making perhaps a mini game for the mobile phone and then I will probably pack up and say I know enough and this is enough of a puzzle. For this I need to let my mind wander write the game down when feeling logical and then program feeling very logical in Java probably.

Best Ever Just had a coffee and it has mellowed me right out to enjoy hopefully the rest of my evening. I know it is a stimulant, but it really did hit the spot. I am now fully charged ready for anything, it will wear off soon though and hopefully leave me feeling quite tired and ready to go to sleep. That is what a 6 o'clock coffee is for, nice black six o'clock coffee, charges you up to do the washing up and then sit watch T.V and fall asleep around 8ish then off to bed later on. Sounds like the perfect day. Several things you need though, to have a good routine. Sleep 8hrs 3-4 meals a day Exercise and plenty of things to do in your day.  Perhaps also a good book to read, lessons of the day learnt and positive mindset (normally comes after the coffee), I don't know why it is it's just the way it is. Welcome back to the real world Michael! Bit of Snow White (music) Ah Don't mind if I do! :) he he bitter!

 I'm absolutely dreading. I'm absolutely dreading these new tablets, they are to help with side effects of my old medications. I swear that the medications I am on makes me feel like a whore on steroids.  I just feel constantly abused and hurt, these new side effect medications make me feel these emotions even more and the affects of them are a deeper understanding of abuse happening in my mind. Hence I feel like a whore on steroids. It's just totally abusive mentalities that keep creeping into my head and these seem to relax me into it. I hate the feelings of it, these are supposed to give me a bit of a buzz or something. I am telling you there is no buzz to feeling these things, just want to break things and kill people after or during, I absolutely hate all these pills and the feelings of technology where I am not really aware of what is going on. Yeah so sometimes I feel happy (hysterical) and sometimes I feel sad, a bit like listening to snowy white midnight blues I su...

Suddenly My Laptop Works Quicker. Don’t know why but I put my laptop into Airplane mode and it suddenly starts working a hell of a lot quicker than normal. Love it when my laptop starts doing what it is supposed to do. Anyway writing these blog post has been an eye opener to my mentalities and how things are in my life. Basically I am unhappy with my life and my personal achievements to earn money and get things going. I have a constant pain issue and prefer to be in dream land, depressed and unaware of what is going on around me. All very selfish and self centred. Maybe I would benefit from going into sports or hobby circle and finding some mates that might be of similar interests. Cycling probably is one of those things that I can possibly do to help my mental and sociable fitness as well as physical. MMA is another circle that has my interest, but I would be going in at total novice level and with coronavirus I can see it being difficult to get a place at the moment. ...

Wasn't The Right Place to Put It Sometimes you can say things at the wrong time or in the wrong place and everyone stops and stairs at you, this was one of those posts. I woke up this morning and thought that really doesn't belong there so I removed it. Sorry if that causes confusion to my readers but it needed to be removed. Anyway shower soon and then a meeting with the Dr. can't wait for this review, should go quite well, hopefully I will get some time to go home and sort my place out.

Most Of The Medication Here Is The Same Per Patient. I read up on some Japanese testing that went horribly wrong to do with the medication that we take in these hospitals.  17 patients died in Japan due to testing of medication. There probably won't have been that many subjects either but the Medication is still used to date in the UK. I couldn't believe that I take the same medication that killed 17 Japanese patients. Anyway so we are all sitting here with coronavirus going on unable and not fit enough to go anywhere, it is not that we are being poisoned because presumably the medication was reviewed before it hit the market, It is only a presumption and most of the patients here are as pale as the magnolia walls, you know a blue/grey kinda colour. I am struggling on theses medications to maintain focus and drive, every time I try to do something slightly complicated it all becomes a mess. Been watching a brilliant T.V Episode lately, sometimes the end is not soon enough thoug...

 I Split My Finger Down Middle >===D I punched a wall and split my index finger down the middle, so in later life it may not work too well. It has split from the joint halfway up towards the knuckle of my finger, it should have hurt but i was so angry at the time I went and sat down and had a cigarette. Scary times then, glad no one was around, most of my stress is caused when no one is around, it's when I cope with things best. I can't wait to have this fixed because it will cause problems if I don't have it fixed, can wait a while though most of the healing is already done to it.

  I Tried To Watch A Film I tried to watch an action thriller film, one that I would normally like by Marvel and I could not settle to watch it. I am so calm with no stress but all bottled up, I cannot sit and watch 5 mins of a film I would normally like. It really does annoy me to the point of writing about it. I can't wait for the day where I am able to sit a watch a film with a beer and continue with my life afterwards. It is like someone has got the remote to my life, I am watching it disappear , I really want to change the channel. I keep thinking how great life could be and then keep getting knocked back from it, last time I had a beer was before I came into hospital about 3 weeks ago, they weren't particularly nice either felt like someone had put something in them. I have my review tomorrow, he he, hopefully they will give me more freedom and let me go home ;)  It's not for the beer that I want to go home it is for the freedom and the change, I am quite fed up of b...

I Trust No One Been through too much and there is too much mess for me to adapt to anyone, been through too much mess and destruction. I have very few people whom I talk to now and even less people whom I would go to for help. I am very much alone until I make my move to pick up and start fresh in a new country probably. All lessons learnt from this country obviously, hopefully the next one will be much better. I tend to hang around in wrong circles and groups to be successful, wishing I had done different things to get to where I want to be, still like living though, you never know what is round the corner especially with no cash, it gets harder and harder. Need to earn my place though, my place with always be my dream narrow boat, where I can just pick up and move on to the next place. Need the money for the diesel though, (ya got a £5?) ha ha!

  Been Thinking Again, Dangerous Places   I Think sometimes about being with women like ^ Angelina, obviously all normal and natural, but honestly it is a dream it's never realistic. I am constantly convinced of these things. Partly because they look attractive, but honestly I would never fit in with her life, I'm sure she probably is quite driven, thing is so am I and these things would never last before everything became a tangled mess of arguments and suffering. These things I am sure of.  I'm really not strong enough for her lifestyle and I'm sure mine doesn't suit hers. Still the obvious attractions are there, like they are with many women.  ;)

The Guitar Track I am just sitting listening to the guitar track I posted on Youtube and this blog some time ago. Here's another idea I was working on...     It's a good start I suppose, I'm well out of practice at this point.

  What Happens? At the middle of the day I will normally be trying to write on my laptop and going out to the shop, normally once in the morning and once in the afternoon. I am sitting here at the moment wondering what to do. I have just had a cheeky cigarette in the vape yard. We have a vape area in this hospital until that becomes illegal as well. Basically I am just killing time morning to night until they say I am well enough to go home.

  From Zero To Zero Hero Before I came into hospital my mind I suppose was over active. Used to do all sorts of things now I have nothing, my mind is plain and boring. I have this crooked neck problem which needs attention pretty soon which could be causing some of the problem, i.e. not letting dopamine flow properly out of the system. Our spinal chords are the exit for used brain chemicals, they flow over the top of the membrane down the spinal chord through our kidneys. Having a crooked neck however could stop the free flowing chemicals from doing their jobs properly and cause a psychotic breakdown. So With tablets I am able to function, but not on a very high level, hence Zero to Zero Hero.