New tablets

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 I'm absolutely dreading.

I'm absolutely dreading these new tablets, they are to help with side effects of my old medications. I swear that the medications I am on makes me feel like a whore on steroids. 

I just feel constantly abused and hurt, these new side effect medications make me feel these emotions even more and the affects of them are a deeper understanding of abuse happening in my mind. Hence I feel like a whore on steroids.

It's just totally abusive mentalities that keep creeping into my head and these seem to relax me into it. I hate the feelings of it, these are supposed to give me a bit of a buzz or something. I am telling you there is no buzz to feeling these things, just want to break things and kill people after or during, I absolutely hate all these pills and the feelings of technology where I am not really aware of what is going on.

Yeah so sometimes I feel happy (hysterical) and sometimes I feel sad, a bit like listening to snowy white midnight blues I suppose smoking a joint at the same time ha ha.

I really don't like the way i am feeling all these different things all the time and having to act normally.

It's like melatonin mixed with nitrogen and a mood stabiliser seriously not nice things to have in your mind. Much like having a friend whom won't stop making you laugh and you trying to stop them from making you laugh so they start tickling you, it is fucking horrible.

I can't understand why i haven't killed my self yet I just want to be back down on the floor instead of high really don't feel too connected and want to leave this miserable place i have found in my mind alone, never to be found again.

Sometimes coffee does this to me but I am seriously liking a stress free mind, as i am quite placid and boring to be around, always like building things and these medications have put me off being with people for quite some time. I really don't want to play, I hate the way these people are trying to seduce me into the ideas all these trips into hospital are a good idea and what they are trying to do is a good idea. I don't get a moments piece and want to be left alone, not treated like a toy or a prostitute.

 Nitrogen seems to make me feel like I have two large veins running up my fore head letting loads of blood into my frontal lobe, I seriously need to control my mentality in these situations because I am very volatile and if i had to put a look to a mentality I would pick Julia Roberts. It's true though I don't feel like my self I feel like a girl at the moment, I don't feel right at all with all these different emotions going on it is vial. I feel very feminate in how I am thinking.

Need to let my laptop battery run out this time, charge it fully.

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