Ya Know When!...???

 The Thoughts Now Are Manageable I am now able to concentrate on what I want to do, however it does take a long time for me to wake up and it is normally gone lunch before anything productive happens. Very pleased though, the thoughts are less intrusive and the medication doesn't affect me as badly any more. I have managed to read a few pages of my book this evening and that has been really nice, just to sit listen to some classical and be rewarded with another world within some literature and some made up story about anything possible that could have entered the authors mind. The book its' self is not particularly popular and is aimed at some adolescent reader I think, but also fits in to my category of fresh from hospital and recovering. I am more than happy with my progress, my mind would not have stayed focused on this book before, when I was getting lost in my on world of technology and games and distractions. I was and tired and hungry, I didn't weigh a lot and wouldn

  So I Am Feeling Better I have been at home, whilst feeling quite tired and exhausted I have been tidying cleaning and getting things sorted and feel much better.  My mind has almost stopped playing tricks on me but I am feeling quite sedated and not quite feeling like my self, this is probably because I am on medication that really does slow me down to an intolerable state. It is coming across in the way I write as well, my spelling is not so good nor is my wording. I will hope that these are no permanent things and hope that it sort of passes of as some sort of readable standard for you, basically I feel like I am writing drunk and not fully aware. I went out on my pushbike today rather reluctantly and didn't go very far but it was nice to get out and do something, legs felt better afterwards.

There Is Still A Little Mess There is still a little mess to clear up but most of it has gone back in the car back to my parents house. I have a feeling that tomorrow will be a cleaning and tidy day along with a morning bike ride and a coffee if I dare push my self to , I will be happier. Instead of trying to motivate my self I generally have a thought of something I would like to do the night before write about it and then in the morning challenge my self to get up and go do it, I then find I forget about the rut I was in trying to motivate my self to do it. Happiness is still not back yet, when I get on the pushbike I notice a difference in my mentalities and generally prefer myself after I have been out and exercised.  I had to push my self to do the main room and found that the above method works for me quite well, I don't complain much either which is a bonus.  

It's Going Well I am finding that life is going well, I am out of hospital now and things are going much better, I am starting to enjoy life again. I cannot wait until I am finally out of the rut again, I am really having to kick my self in the mornings to get up get on and do things and the sadness of not being with someone has kicked in. Yes I would be referring to a specific person when I say those things I mean my ex-girlfriend, whom I am not quite over yet, but time is a healer and our time together was very rocky and I don't think well really had a fair chance with everything that was going on in her life and in mine, so I feel quite sad that she decided to give up on us, never mind though, plenty more fish in the sea. I am looking forwards to a new life now without so much mess I hope. I have no responsibilities and no major worries in life, I should be fine getting on with it then? I have come back to my main base (my flat) and seriously I had to give my self a proper k

 A Fresh Start I am finally getting discharged today and I can't wait to be freed from these beds and life and starting over again. I am now sitting at home, when I wrote the above it was lunch time and I had to go shortly after writing it. Yep so I am now sitting at home thinking how to make this last and making plans for the future. I have spent too much time in hospital which has not been great. I have some people coming over tomorrow to make sure that I am okay and from there we will see what is happening if anything at all. Need to find the lights for my bike and need to get back on it cycling again. Well before I sat on the sofa or lay down on it I really should have cleaned the sofa, there was broken glass everywhere on it, I have just pulled 2-3 pieces away from my backside and boy was that uncomfortable. I should be getting the hoover fixed tomorrow and I have some follow up medication to take. So I am now sitting at home happy but lonely and it is not always easy to find

https://andthewatchgoesforward.blogspot.com/ (click on read more before attempting the link)   Middle Class Up Bringing I come from a background that is middle class and getting sharper with each generation with some obvious set backs and dismissible behaviour, but generally a good family and a lot of fond memories. I learnt to ride push bikes at a very young age and loved learning to ride without stabilisers, from there  I went into gymnastics and learned to play golf, shortly after I learned to play golf which was a far more interesting game than I thought it was going to be, I quit gymnastics. I was only learning to play golf because that is what my dad wanted to learn to play and like father, like son, I wanted to follow and be the best. Shortly after this, I saw the Tour De France on T.V. and it was just starting to become big in England and my mum saw a bike outside the front of a cycle shop for £10 and it was some rusty old thing which I could barely get on, (crossbar) and we b

My Life Doesn't Seem Normal At what age does it seem normal to have a mental breakdown? Mine happened when I hit 24 years old, there is no telling when it will happen or why it will happen. High stress, no time, busy life... Any of these things could cause it. For me I had a mental breakdown at 24 years old when I had 2 jobs and I had just left my job at the factory where I used to build push bikes. Since then I have not felt right... I am pretty close to feeling better now though, I will know I am fine when I have come off the drugs at hospital and don't need much help.   At the moment I actually don't like much to do with getting involved with other people, very much a loner when it comes to taking part in things I pass and sit on my own. To be fair to myself though, the people I am with at the minute, I am probably doing the best thing by not taking part. All very snobby then? No... They just aren't my type of people, I have the hardest time finding friends these day

  Turning A Corner I spoke with the Dr. today and he has said that I will be monitored for another couple of weeks and then possibly I will be out of the door. Very good things then, maybe I will even get chance to finish decorating my flat before I get out here this time, a pink bathroom has been laughed at quite a few times (and it wasn't just me). I'm not a good writer or good at things that involve me being academically bright but I can do a bit of grafting in the DIY area (won't look too shabby). I am now just sitting listening to music, most music is of Spotify and is not too bad. I like their mixes such as classical music for studying, rock and rap are also up there (for my time to chill out with the laptop). Other wise it is dab radio with some trance or rock or whatever is a available. I have so much tidying to do at my flat, I left it in such a mess when I came into hospital, can't wait to be back in it relaxing back in the real world.

  Drugs Have Probably Played A Part I have probably subjected my my self to the exposure of drugs far to many times. My brain doesn't cope with them too well and thus I end up taking a rough and rocky road. My mental health declines quite a lot when I am exposed to them. I always feel it's not the drugs its the people. There has been quite a few knock backs for me on drugs such as weed and cocaine. I am not a regular user but the do take their toll over a period of time having taken them. I have been pretty much clean for a few years now and I feel that I am doing well. I still have this ongoing niggling about technology and things though, very hard to get rid of these thoughts.

 Not Sure Whether These Blog Post A Uploading These blog posts are now becoming quite far and few between. In my spare time which is quite a lot of the time I am programming and looking at games to inspire my programming. I really like doing these things but my mind keeps wandering into other things rather unfairly I would say is fair to say. Struggling for things to write other than those things. My morning routine is to get up and go downstairs for a cigarette and then on to writing or programming, obviously not living the most exciting life at the moment. Waiting for lockdown to ease up so I can go and get my hair cut professionally, as shown in photo it needs it.

Just Trying To Get Back To Some Sort Of Good Position  I can't wait until I am out of hospital and doing new things. Taking up MMA after I get out of hospital just for the fun and fitness. Going to be using cycling as my main hobby to keep up the cardio fitness levels for it, and when I am settled I will take up a conditioning routing to keep my self free and nimble. I need to introduce several things to get my self back to where I need to be. Nutrition, Fitness, Sleep and hobbies. Maybe leave the ladies a bit longer though.

 As You Look Harder, It May Seem Less Shocking     Finding it hard to take a good photo... Still Laughing. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=4D35vfQ7eZg

 This Is Pretty Much How I Feel At The Moment https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=Robbie+williams+Feel Very little out there and many people feel these things.  Definitely feel that I don't understand this road I have been given.  

I Tried To Make This Less Offensive  I have tried to make these things that I am writing less offensive, but as time goes on the become more and more specific and it is hard to keep them general. I have delusions that make me think I have technology in my eyes and my ears (in my head basically). A games machine that distracts me from everyday tasks like going to work or eating or sleeping. These technologies bring distractions that I call games that allow me to separate my self from the real world and what is going on is how a logical person would look at it. To me the technologies are quite real and are about real things that go on. Obviously I have been to the police about these things and they are convinced they are not there in my head even though secret service use something called Whitehall which is were I believe the technology to come from. All well and good then, but why put technology in somebodies head and not say? Well the technologies are distracting me by ways of entertai

I Am Having Difficulties Learning C++ Further than I should be with almost no help but seriously still struggling with the tutorial I found online and the logic behind C++. I am starting to write more logically but not really able to think properly yet about the design of the program (structure). Most of what I have done looks quite complicated until you read it properly and then it is not so complicated. This diary helps me put my more personal issues down in writing without causing too much of a problem with my blog. My blog basically states my mood, and complex feelings (which I shall do in the diary as well and I’m sure the odd post will come into it. I still have fears and delusions to do with technology like I have always had ever since my suicide attempt. I have really stood to regret a lot of decisions since then and I almost wish I had just put up and shut up. << That will probably get added to the blog later on. Keen and still young of mind is my problem,

 

 I am really not well and I have to say looking back through most of these things I am saying them whilst trying to make sense of what is going on. I have to apologise for these things because from the outside looking in I must sound quite strange/weird or some other hushed up laughed at thing. So I apologise for all those immature blogs I have done and will probably stop and leave it till I feel better. Many thanks to the readers though. Amazingly I didn't get my head bitten off. Tolerance is a bit better than I thought... Many Thanks, Michael

  I can't complain (too much) I have been for a walk today within my allotted 1 hour that we seem to be allowed (COVID). I went out with a member of staff from the hospital and we have a nice conversation and a couple of nice coffees from the local shop near to where I live.  I am now sitting here waiting to be told that I can go home or I am free to go when I want to, there isn't much that would stop these things from happening at the moment.

More Tomorrow

 I Have Been Doing Programming Now Winding Down To Sleep I am watching a T.V series, not sure if we are allowed to mention what T.V series we are watching on these blogs so I don't say which one. But it's about a mind f**k of a situation and it just keeps getting better the more you watch it. It describes life with major trauma involvement when this guy realises he has lost his dad whom by the looks of it lived a little on the wild side. The trauma is so deep that he cannot make sense of what he is doing and whilst still achieving quite a lot he still has these side lined mental conditions to be playing with. I really don't know how he manages to sleep when he is doing so much in each episode, episodes of psychosis as well. It really is quite entertaining, but seems to be the worst day a man could ever have but the best time also (because he is smart enough to deal with his problems). It to me kind of looks like a life in real life and a life outside of real life, two very