Ya Know When!...???

Been Programming Been doing some programming on my laptop that I got for Christmas. I am really happy with the laptop, (saying thanks to the appropriate people they know who they are). I have been quite bored and sometimes programming can be like wasting a bit of time playing Sudoku. A bit of a puzzle to do when you are a bit bored and it is functional knowledge so it is good to get into. Great fun, I would like to get to the point of making perhaps a mini game for the mobile phone and then I will probably pack up and say I know enough and this is enough of a puzzle. For this I need to let my mind wander write the game down when feeling logical and then program feeling very logical in Java probably.

Best Ever Just had a coffee and it has mellowed me right out to enjoy hopefully the rest of my evening. I know it is a stimulant, but it really did hit the spot. I am now fully charged ready for anything, it will wear off soon though and hopefully leave me feeling quite tired and ready to go to sleep. That is what a 6 o'clock coffee is for, nice black six o'clock coffee, charges you up to do the washing up and then sit watch T.V and fall asleep around 8ish then off to bed later on. Sounds like the perfect day. Several things you need though, to have a good routine. Sleep 8hrs 3-4 meals a day Exercise and plenty of things to do in your day.  Perhaps also a good book to read, lessons of the day learnt and positive mindset (normally comes after the coffee), I don't know why it is it's just the way it is. Welcome back to the real world Michael! Bit of Snow White (music) Ah Don't mind if I do! :) he he bitter!

 I'm absolutely dreading. I'm absolutely dreading these new tablets, they are to help with side effects of my old medications. I swear that the medications I am on makes me feel like a whore on steroids.  I just feel constantly abused and hurt, these new side effect medications make me feel these emotions even more and the affects of them are a deeper understanding of abuse happening in my mind. Hence I feel like a whore on steroids. It's just totally abusive mentalities that keep creeping into my head and these seem to relax me into it. I hate the feelings of it, these are supposed to give me a bit of a buzz or something. I am telling you there is no buzz to feeling these things, just want to break things and kill people after or during, I absolutely hate all these pills and the feelings of technology where I am not really aware of what is going on. Yeah so sometimes I feel happy (hysterical) and sometimes I feel sad, a bit like listening to snowy white midnight blues I su...

Suddenly My Laptop Works Quicker. Don’t know why but I put my laptop into Airplane mode and it suddenly starts working a hell of a lot quicker than normal. Love it when my laptop starts doing what it is supposed to do. Anyway writing these blog post has been an eye opener to my mentalities and how things are in my life. Basically I am unhappy with my life and my personal achievements to earn money and get things going. I have a constant pain issue and prefer to be in dream land, depressed and unaware of what is going on around me. All very selfish and self centred. Maybe I would benefit from going into sports or hobby circle and finding some mates that might be of similar interests. Cycling probably is one of those things that I can possibly do to help my mental and sociable fitness as well as physical. MMA is another circle that has my interest, but I would be going in at total novice level and with coronavirus I can see it being difficult to get a place at the moment. ...

Wasn't The Right Place to Put It Sometimes you can say things at the wrong time or in the wrong place and everyone stops and stairs at you, this was one of those posts. I woke up this morning and thought that really doesn't belong there so I removed it. Sorry if that causes confusion to my readers but it needed to be removed. Anyway shower soon and then a meeting with the Dr. can't wait for this review, should go quite well, hopefully I will get some time to go home and sort my place out.

Most Of The Medication Here Is The Same Per Patient. I read up on some Japanese testing that went horribly wrong to do with the medication that we take in these hospitals.  17 patients died in Japan due to testing of medication. There probably won't have been that many subjects either but the Medication is still used to date in the UK. I couldn't believe that I take the same medication that killed 17 Japanese patients. Anyway so we are all sitting here with coronavirus going on unable and not fit enough to go anywhere, it is not that we are being poisoned because presumably the medication was reviewed before it hit the market, It is only a presumption and most of the patients here are as pale as the magnolia walls, you know a blue/grey kinda colour. I am struggling on theses medications to maintain focus and drive, every time I try to do something slightly complicated it all becomes a mess. Been watching a brilliant T.V Episode lately, sometimes the end is not soon enough thoug...

 I Split My Finger Down Middle >===D I punched a wall and split my index finger down the middle, so in later life it may not work too well. It has split from the joint halfway up towards the knuckle of my finger, it should have hurt but i was so angry at the time I went and sat down and had a cigarette. Scary times then, glad no one was around, most of my stress is caused when no one is around, it's when I cope with things best. I can't wait to have this fixed because it will cause problems if I don't have it fixed, can wait a while though most of the healing is already done to it.

  I Tried To Watch A Film I tried to watch an action thriller film, one that I would normally like by Marvel and I could not settle to watch it. I am so calm with no stress but all bottled up, I cannot sit and watch 5 mins of a film I would normally like. It really does annoy me to the point of writing about it. I can't wait for the day where I am able to sit a watch a film with a beer and continue with my life afterwards. It is like someone has got the remote to my life, I am watching it disappear , I really want to change the channel. I keep thinking how great life could be and then keep getting knocked back from it, last time I had a beer was before I came into hospital about 3 weeks ago, they weren't particularly nice either felt like someone had put something in them. I have my review tomorrow, he he, hopefully they will give me more freedom and let me go home ;)  It's not for the beer that I want to go home it is for the freedom and the change, I am quite fed up of b...

I Trust No One Been through too much and there is too much mess for me to adapt to anyone, been through too much mess and destruction. I have very few people whom I talk to now and even less people whom I would go to for help. I am very much alone until I make my move to pick up and start fresh in a new country probably. All lessons learnt from this country obviously, hopefully the next one will be much better. I tend to hang around in wrong circles and groups to be successful, wishing I had done different things to get to where I want to be, still like living though, you never know what is round the corner especially with no cash, it gets harder and harder. Need to earn my place though, my place with always be my dream narrow boat, where I can just pick up and move on to the next place. Need the money for the diesel though, (ya got a £5?) ha ha!

  Been Thinking Again, Dangerous Places   I Think sometimes about being with women like ^ Angelina, obviously all normal and natural, but honestly it is a dream it's never realistic. I am constantly convinced of these things. Partly because they look attractive, but honestly I would never fit in with her life, I'm sure she probably is quite driven, thing is so am I and these things would never last before everything became a tangled mess of arguments and suffering. These things I am sure of.  I'm really not strong enough for her lifestyle and I'm sure mine doesn't suit hers. Still the obvious attractions are there, like they are with many women.  ;)

The Guitar Track I am just sitting listening to the guitar track I posted on Youtube and this blog some time ago. Here's another idea I was working on...     It's a good start I suppose, I'm well out of practice at this point.

  What Happens? At the middle of the day I will normally be trying to write on my laptop and going out to the shop, normally once in the morning and once in the afternoon. I am sitting here at the moment wondering what to do. I have just had a cheeky cigarette in the vape yard. We have a vape area in this hospital until that becomes illegal as well. Basically I am just killing time morning to night until they say I am well enough to go home.

  From Zero To Zero Hero Before I came into hospital my mind I suppose was over active. Used to do all sorts of things now I have nothing, my mind is plain and boring. I have this crooked neck problem which needs attention pretty soon which could be causing some of the problem, i.e. not letting dopamine flow properly out of the system. Our spinal chords are the exit for used brain chemicals, they flow over the top of the membrane down the spinal chord through our kidneys. Having a crooked neck however could stop the free flowing chemicals from doing their jobs properly and cause a psychotic breakdown. So With tablets I am able to function, but not on a very high level, hence Zero to Zero Hero.  

When It Is All A Mess! You know when, when your love life is all a mess and you have got people pulling you from all different angles in your personal life and you just need to breathe. My advice is to stop what you are doing and crack on, life is difficult but you need to be selfish sometimes. Something i never did was stop and focus on the things that I want which never let me down until I found someone I wanted. My life basically (especially personal) feels like it can be bought and manipulated by just about anyone. I suffer from voices and paranoia. People want to get to know me and it is the worst feeling ever when you know no-one and have a partner you want to love and protect but you feel like a hobo around all these other people and you know your job is to protect someone. The best protection comes down to letting them go, finding an easy way out your self because otherwise (and this comes from not choosing good friends) you leave your self with a bullseye on your and her head....

 Dunno Why They Do, But Here They Are https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UgsurPg9Ckw https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bJQhFYJvtx4  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3tUh-x-fp8Q&list=RDMM&start_radio=1 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YVkUvmDQ3HY&list=RDMM&index=8 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XEN8uCaBvdg&list=RDMM&index=6 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r_0JjYUe5jo&list=RDMM&index=3    Anyway that's it, dunno why but all the above cheer me up whilst I'm feeling unwell.

I Remain None Religious Due to various threats in my life and seeing how nasty people can really get over being religious or not, I am developing thoughts about excessive behaviours within religion and general life. I am having thoughts (pretty scary ones) over Jewish religions and Catholic religions, it all seems to revolve around women and sexualities. How testicles work etc... Whilst I remain none religious I feel like I am being push from pillar to post to potentially be religious, I am not liking these thoughts either, they keep telling me to f**k off, "I am" - working like such and such "don't pick on me". I am obviously not picking on them I am just trying to get my life sorted, on some sort of recognisable road. I don't know how to get help with these things and don't know how to get away from those types of people when involved with them.

 My Room Mate Just Got Transferred. Really happy for my room mate, he got transferred back to intensive care where he gets his own room and more attention that he deserves. He is one of those whom always looks on the positive side and draws you to look at the positive side as well.  Anyway so yeah, nice quite night ahead by the looks of it, can't wait for a good nights sleep etc... Hopefully they don't put anyone else in here, I like the piece and quiet to do my writing and listen to calming music. My favourite at the minute is Classical for studying on Spotify, think I have already mentioned that but it really does do me the world of good listening to it.  I need to do some more reading in my spare time, reading a book always helps me out when I am stressed and bored. Think it is a maturity thing but reading has only recently com into my life since I have been in and out of hospitals.

  It Was So Boring I couldn't settle or do anything last night. I was irritated and bored I even struggled to write my blog it was becoming that bad. My mind also wouldn't relax and go into dream world so I couldn't write about any new ideas. With being irritated I suppose it was going to be a hard job to sit and write anyway. When my mind is like it was last night normally it comes down to no eating enough no sleeping enough or not drinking enough. So I end up normally being irritated until I have done said things. Right now I don't think I have been drinking enough so I am very faint on the depths I am able to think it is almost like just skimming the surface of what my brain is able to do, very faint and light at the moment. Blood sugar is another reason for these things, so I am drinking cola, next I will be drinking water. Tea would also have been acceptable for these things. They should speed up my brain and stop me thinking to deeply into subconsciousness and all...

 Not Long Till I Go To Sleep It's not long till I go to sleep. I said this a while ago actually and it didn't happen. Just one of those nights I am struggling to sleep with.  It is night time, when i started writing this it was 11:20 pm however it is now 12:15am so it has been a while since I started writing this. Should be able to get some pain pills soon and they should knock me out a little. Apparently I have not given enough time for these pain pills to ware off before i take the next lot and I took to many before in a short space of time.

  It's The Same Old Day Every Day Makes me want to get away, instead of adding variety my days have been getting more and more similar every day. I was listening to some very calming classical music on Spotify for studying, it really relaxes me but makes me very aware of my surroundings, my surroundings are quite stressful at the moment and it is not so easy to relax. So there is obviously the oddness from being in a stressful environment with high wired patients and being calmed down by the music whilst still feeling quite lively.  I feel quite calm to be fair it's not too bad being here. My brain cannot process as well as it used to be able to, I have tried to refresh on some programming languages and it doesn't make a huge amount of sense to me, hence my understanding and memory is going down hill at a rate of knots. I think I said something out of boredom yesterday and was thinking about things in a world of my own not considering everything. I can't have moments li...

  I Have Been Doing Programming On My Computer Here I am not talking about programming of the mind I am talking about a programming language called C++ to keep my mind away from the dark places whilst am taking medication and sorting my mind out. So far so good, it is keeping me distracted whilst not really able to do much due to being in hospital. At the moment I am just refreshing on what I already know and it is coming in useful to keep me away from bad places mentally.  I have just had a conversation with someone whom is into computer programming in the hospital, almost immediately after saying what I was doing within programming he said "are you sure you aren't doing genocide of something like that?" To which I said "No it is just a personal project of mine". Anyway I took no offence to what he has said and will carry on with my personal project. I just took it like the man was joking with me, I think that was the way it was intended rather than being offen...

  It Was Never There I feel like a hobo being battered from pillar to post over not be quite as successful as expected. I have had this hospital joke played upon me many times... And seriously once can be funny but it must be like the 20th time right now which has exhausted my sense of humour and kindness towards people trying to do the right things by me. I must admit though that it helps me to concentrate on eating a better diet and getting fitter, but it seems to be the more I smoke or vape the harder it is to breathe. The whole experience is not very nice to put up with and my energy is wearing really low for these things. Suicide is definitely something worth contemplating and it is really acceptable feeling like I do everyday. It's not really a choice though it is a very much I give up trying to be every bodies best buddy and don't really know what is best any more and getting the same response back from everyone. I also don't want a load of caring attitudes because t...

Apparently I Sent Them   I sent my father some texts out of desperation that I was hearing things that I shouldn't be hearing. Part of the distraction within the hallucination of technology 1. was that I have been projected from my flat into hospital and people were doing strange things to me to get information out of me in my flat.   So to summarise my body is in my flat and my minds fake body is in hospital (it's like a virtual environment) whilst the "people" whomever they are extract information or program me to be what they need me to be. When on LSD for example you can be linguistically programmed such as a Russian Sleeper Agent. These come awake by a noise and can be lethal in certain situations using a noise or trigger word. They are programmed with trauma experiences and programmed with photos and knowledge to hate the target and are not aware of anything until the trigger word or noise is played.               ...