I Have Lost My Sense Of Humour

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 It Was Never There

I feel like a hobo being battered from pillar to post over not be quite as successful as expected. I have had this hospital joke played upon me many times... And seriously once can be funny but it must be like the 20th time right now which has exhausted my sense of humour and kindness towards people trying to do the right things by me.

I must admit though that it helps me to concentrate on eating a better diet and getting fitter, but it seems to be the more I smoke or vape the harder it is to breathe.

The whole experience is not very nice to put up with and my energy is wearing really low for these things.

Suicide is definitely something worth contemplating and it is really acceptable feeling like I do everyday. It's not really a choice though it is a very much I give up trying to be every bodies best buddy and don't really know what is best any more and getting the same response back from everyone.

I also don't want a load of caring attitudes because they have been sometimes the reason for my feeling bad, not wanting to do things so I want to be on my own. So no one can judge me for being me, getting on with it is where I'm at instead of this brick wall of other peoples' emotions.

However it is nice to get feedback on how people feel about my situation without advice for the future... This is because it seems to make me, make a load of empty promises to pull me out the rut and when i look back they are unfulfilled and puts me all the way back down again to a lower state of mind every time, so I try to avoid those conversations (people normally hold original goals against me!)... Not very cool. Makes life become a process, very boring! Much like living in a factory!

I can't wait to be out of here an back at home stuffing my face and ringing my bike basically. I am feeling very flat emotionally though hence my ease of explaining these things so don't get too offended I'm sure it's a passing thing.

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